No More Broken Wings

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me Yet

2011-11-09T09:32:00.002-05:00

My abuser won another battle in this war he has created. All I wanted was to raise my daughter in peace free from abuse. This man raped me, battered me, terrorized me. And now he has pulled Emily into this nightmare. How I wish I could have just hit the road and not had to suffer through this, how I wish I could have protected Emily from this monster. Now he has an ally in his new paramour. But as my best friend so eloquently pointed out, I am strong. This is only temporary. He has not seen the last of me. I will come back stronger than ever. I will not allow him to push me down and hurt me and our child any longer.

Times are hard but I was built tough I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.....

And I will......

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

I AM Coming Out!

2011-11-09T04:03:00.000-05:00

Sadly it is nearly that time. I thought I would be able to hold on and keep it together for myself and Emily. But I cannot. The legal abuse our abuser is inflicting on both of us and the almost certainty that I will be jailed by the end of the year looms in the future.

I'm Coming Out

I'm coming out
I'm coming
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of the shell
I have to shout
That I'm coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I've got to show the world
All that I wanna be
And all my abilities
There's so much more to me
Somehow, I have to make them
Just understand
I got it well in hand
And, oh, how I've planned
I'm spreadin' love
There's no need to fear
And I just feel so good
Everytime I hear:

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

Court Watch Orange County Florida (Orlando) November 8, 2011 @8:30 AM

2011-11-04T23:53:00.005-04:00

Court Watch Orange County Florida (Orlando) November 8, 2011 @8:30 AM

Judge Roger J. McDonald

Thank you Lorraine for creating this event for myself and my daughter, Emily. If anyone wants information about this and plan to attend they may contact me through email at nomorebrokenwings@yahoo.com. Tonight there had to be an exchange for visitation purposes and the respondent in this case was at the dropoff point, even though she expressed an extreme fear of me in her affidavit for the injunction for protection against repeat violence.

I have never been violent towards this woman, in fact I only wish for resolution to the issues between myself and my abuser. They continue on with this vendetta against Emily and I.

If you find it in your heart to come out and support me, this is at the Orange County courthouse located in downtown Orlando. Letters of support may be added in the comments section here or sent to Judge Roger McDonald c/o Orange County Courthouse Orlando, Fl. I am not sure if faxes would be accepted or not and I really do not want to anger this judge. Spreading the word though that an abuser and his new girlfriend are conspiring against me due to the abuser ignoring court orders pertaining to me, our child and himself. They simply want to divert attention from his multiple violations of our court orders so that he does not end up in jail himself. Numerous law enforcement agencies are involved and most know what this is about, sadly they are unable to do much because he always skates just up to that line between annoying and illegal.

Please help Emily and I.

Angels Among Us

2011-07-27T00:05:00.001-04:00

Apologies now for being gone so long. My life has taken an upside roller coaster twist with no end in sight. A very young member of my family was taken tragically just recently and there is another family member fighting for life as we speak.

There are just no words for the pain we are all enduring. So I publish this beautiful song a little early and to my young family member may angels watch over you. I know there were several there to greet you as you made that voyage. I truly hope you felt no pain. You will be missed immensely. Your mother and father loved you more than life itself. Please send a special angel to your mom in this awful time to assure her that you are okay sweetie.

Love and miss you bunches....

I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with their mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

Daddy

2011-05-04T01:40:00.000-04:00

Even though this song is very harsh, it is often the way victims feel about their abusers. I often felt this way about my father. Now comes the time to share another story about the man I called daddy, the man I alternated between love and hate.

This man was a a tyrant. This man expected better than perfection. This man was less than perfection.

I remember so much good but how can I look at the good with anything less than tears in my eyes and a pain in my chest buried deep?

This man would drink himself to oblivion. He would get angry at the smallest things. One such evening he was drunk yet again and angry. The neighbors dog was barking and making a huge racket. My father stumbled out the door with a knife so he could shut the dog up. My siblings and I were cowering because we knew if we said anything we would be the target. But how could we be silent? Our mother spoke up and just as we knew, she became the target of his rage. I do not remember if she suffered one of the many beatings she endured or not, but I know she rushed us off to bed. I woke to use the bathroom early the next morning and my father was laying in the living room in another pile of vomit. My mother sat on the couch and sent me back to bed telling me everything would be okay.

I did not understand it though. How could everything be okay? My father appeared near dead, it was early the next day, my mother had to work and she was still awake and the house smelled because of the vomit. But as promised when we woke to go to school the next day, our father was silent drinking his coffee, my mother was cooking breakfast with a smile on her face and the smell was long gone.

So I must wonder, is it because of this that I met a man like Emily's father? Is Emily destined to live this same life? Will she listen to this song and feel this way about her Daddy?

My bones are tired, Daddy
I don't get enough sleep
I don't eat as good as I could, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy
Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney.
Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy.
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean.
Gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy.
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy
Go ahead and psycho-analyze that.
'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love, Daddy.
Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do
Well last night I saw you sneak out your window
With your white hood, Daddy
What's' that say about you?
I'm sloppy, what's that say about you?
I'm messy, what's that say about you?
My bones are tired, Daddy

Concrete Angel

2011-05-03T00:01:00.000-04:00

I know it has been several months since I have posted anything and much of that is the direct result of our abuser. Emily has been through some very rough times in the last few months. But I truly believe I gave her the strength of thousands even in her weakest moments. If we could just get her to see her own strengths.

Now I promised from the first post I would share more of our lives with you. The further I get into our story, the more apparent it will be who I truly am. And with that we will be revealed. But I do believe that time will come when it is right. When it is meant to be.

If you have been coming here you know my pen name is Annie and will remain Annie until that time is right. I want to tell you a little more about me. A little more about why I had broken wings. Why I have tried so hard to heal those broken wings so I can fly again. Why I feel I am so close to flying again. But to know all this we must go back to the beginning.

I come from a very large family and even as dysfunctional as we were I knew we were all loved. My mother and father loved me the best the knew how to love me and my siblings. But they both had their own issues they brought to the marriage, they both had their strengths and their weaknesses.

I remember so much of both of them and this post I will start sharing my father with you. He could so strict and so mean. But he could be so protective at the same time. I remember well a time when I was in grade school and we were going to church and I caught another student breaking the school rules. I proceeded to tell that student how bad it was what they were doing and where they would go if they did not stop doing it. Because after all that is what the church taught us. Everyone who did not repent their evil deeds and thoughts would go straight to hell. I was nearly punished at school for that offense and my father swooped in and rescued me.

I can remember those events where he was the loving and protective father. But I can also remember the horrible events where I was scared to death. Where I cowered in a closet or under my bed. Where I cleaned up the vomit. But that is for another post. We must not rush this. Rome was not built in a day. So my song for today is Concrete Angel. Because that was the start of the pain behind the mask. That was when I started building these walls that most find it impossible to tear down.

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

18 Wheeler - Pink

2011-02-02T01:18:00.002-05:00

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but you can't keep me down, down, down, down

Enough is enough already! I have thought about this for the many years that you have been trying to hurt Emily and I. I have digested everything I can on this subject. I have talked to countless moms, dads and many many others. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster. Tired of the trust issues I have. Tired of the fears, the anger, the loneliness.

I swore I would not let you keep me down and I AM getting back up. You wanted to spend these years trying to get even for what you perceived to be wrongs directed at YOU. This was about you, but it was more about me and Emily. Will you EVER see that?

Sadly I doubt it......

18 Wheeler" Ringtone to your Cell

Can't keep me down
Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down
You know you can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down

Hey, hey, man! What's your problem?
I see you tryin' to hurt me bad
Don't know what you're up against
Maybe you should reconsider
Come up with another plan
Cuz you know I'm not that kinda girl
That'll lay there and let you come first

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down, down, down
Can't keep me down, down

Hey, hey, girl! Are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cuz its time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though your not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the scar
You're gonna get your feelings hurt

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Everywhere that I go
There's someone waitin' to chain me
Everything that I say
There's someone tryin' to short-change me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I'm not gonna break!

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

I'm Still Standing - and I will NOT fall

2011-02-02T00:01:00.000-05:00

I have had to think of some stuff tonight and I am going to sleep on it. You sure have done a number on us. But as this song says - I am still standing. You won't knock me down. But damn it I am tired of the trust stuff that keeps popping up. I am tired of the anger that keeps rearing its ugly head. And I am especially tired of the "tired". If it were not for my music I would have no where to turn.

So I go to the music and release a little more and lose myself to this world for a while. I write here when I can and pray for a little release.

Maybe with the newest events it will come. Maybe..........

I'm Still Standing

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Don't Cry Out Loud

2011-01-25T23:52:00.004-05:00

It has been many months since I have done any posting. For those who are wondering this wonderful and scary thing called life has hit all of us square in the face. So much good and sadly some of it is truly bad. So tonight and for the past few months my mood has been to not cry out loud. What good will it do to cry? Nobody listens, nobody hears, nobody cares.

Baby cried the day the circus came to town 'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her

I don't cry for the circus (this crazy thing called life) because I know I will never have one. EVER.

Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings

I cannot cry anymore. The tears are gone. Oh they still flow at times, but it does nothing anymore. Nothing.

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown While she danced without a net upon the wire

I dance on that wire every day. I move and the wire moves. I stop and the wire stops. One day I will fall. But as always I pick myself up. How much more until I can no longer pick myself up?

Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings Fly high and proud And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Trying so hard not to cry. If it starts it will never end. Learning how to hide those feelings? I have that one under control. Nobody will ever know the truth. Nobody can EVER see the pain. They would run in the opposite direction as fast as they ran to us. Falling? Do that every day. Make mistakes every day. One day it will be impossible to get back up again though. And yes I did almost make it. Will we be allowed to make it? Will John, Emily and I be allowed the freedom for a happy life? Or are we all destined to fail every time? Are we always destined to make the worst choices?

I see others moving on and wonder when will it be my turn. Who will love me and Emily? And John?

Nobody..................

Ever...................

“Don't Cry Out Loud”

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

My Independence Day is here and now!

2010-08-14T00:01:00.001-04:00

I am getting scared for my Emily. Her father is becoming more unstable as the days go by. I read all of the stories on fathers killing the children and the mothers, and I worry for Emily and I. Will we become one of those statistics? Or can we make it through so she can age out and then we will both be protected? I saw an article about a lovely place to live and it would not cost much at all. Can we get to the "aging out" and move in peace and never have to bother with him again? Will she make it through to the end, which will be our new beginning? We want to be free from all abuse and have our own Independence day!

Well she seemed all right by dawn’s early light though she looked a little
Worried and weak she tried to pretend he wasn’t drinkin’ aagain but daddy left
The proof on her cheek and I was only eight years old that summer and I always
Seemed to be in the way so I took myself down to the fair in town on
Independence day

Well word gets a round in a small, small town they said he was a dangerous man
But mama was proud and she stood her ground she knew she was on the losin’ end
Some folks whispered some folks talked but everybody looked the other way and
When time ran out there was no one about on indpendence day

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing let the whole world know that
Today is a day of reckoning let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong roll
The stone away, let the guilty pay, it’s independence day

Well she lit up the sky that fourth of july by the time the firemen come they
Just put out the flames and took down some names and send me to the county home
Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right or it’s wrong but maybe it’s the only way talk
About your revolution it’s indepenednce day

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing let the whole world know that
Today is a day of reckoning let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong roll
The stone away, let the guilty pay, it’s independence day

Roll the stone away it’s independence day

Hell is NOT for Children - it is for the ABUSERs!

2010-03-25T00:01:00.001-04:00

Hell is not for children it should only be reserved for those who abuse children and the people those children hold near and dear to their hearts.

I am back again and hurting tonight. I see many advocates in pain suffering while blogging, twittering, and connecting with other advocates and victims. I feel my story while intense and graphic and something that should never have happened to me or to my children is minor, so very minor.

So I come again to open another piece of my life to you. To give away yet another piece of this monstrosity I call "my life".

Emily again is afraid. Afraid to stand up and afraid not to stand up. Our abuser is terrorizing us yet again. He is threatening to tear up her life, cause her embarrassment. If we stand up and say no more, the embarrassment will be there. If we fold and lay down silent, we are victimized yet again. The situation is so trivial in and of itself, yet it is the small things that will become huge. If we remain silent, we invite more evil and worse events upon us in the future. It is the way of an abuser.

What is causing little Emily such strife? Her school is on vacation very soon and her father is demanding that he have her beyond what has been ordered through the courts. Now if he was not abusive to me, if his current spouse did not assist him in his reign of terror, if he was truly a loving father to Emily, I would have no qualms about him having this time. But sadly, Emily's father is none of these things. And rather than be a good father, he must flex his muscles and show who is boss. And Emily, dear sweet Emily, is torn in too many pieces by another episode. Much like her mother has been over my life. And how to explain to this child without falling into that trap of "alienation" that befalls so many protective mothers and children? How do I explain what she sees and still maintain under the law of our state the bond between father and child, that in all honesty should be his job to maintain and nurture?

Stuck in the middle of this mess is another child, now grown, John. This child was denied relationship after relationship with his biological family due to greed.

And these children need each other. They need to move past the abuses and grow together as siblings. And Emily's father wants to deny this bond between siblings. He in fact feels it is his God-given right to demand and have us acquiese to those demands. OUR feelings mean nothing to him. They mean even less to his new spouse.

So we shall see what the future holds for us. Will Emily be tortured and embarrassed and move one step closer to that ever approaching hell we call forced separation that many protective mothers and children suffer silently in family courts around the world? Will her world suddenly become hell as Pat Benatar says here? Or will I, Annie, be able to save her from that? Can I do something to not only save her but keep all the other Emily's out there safe?

Only time will tell. Until then please pray for me, my family, but especially for Emily and John in the coming days and weeks.

They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears
They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child
Because Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes, and then apologize
You're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell off the swing
Because Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
No, Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell Is For Children
Hell Is For Children

Another victim for you to meet

2010-03-24T23:49:00.001-04:00

I am trying to be creative and interesting in my introductions. I am tired and worn out from the life of terror I have lived. I have cried rivers and oceans of tears and the tears never seem to dry up.

So I bring another victim into this fray. I want to introduce you to my son John*. John is a wonderful young man, barely into adulthood stretching his wings and looking for his true love, his place in life.

I will not go into the details of my early life with John's biological father. At 16/17 I had more common sense sadly in some ways than I did with Emily's father. At the first sign of battering and abuse, I walked away, taking what was left of my dignity and pride. Little did I realize that I also took away a piece of John's father inside me. Barely an adult myself I was carrying a brand new life inside.

I reveled in the absolute amaxement I felt when the first movements came from John. The little fists that would run circles around my abdomen. I was so huge and so obviously pregnant. Everyone said I waddled like a beanpole who had swallowed the proverbial watermelon. I had many who proclaimed I would never make it, I was too young, too immature to bring this life into the world. But that mattered none. After living the life I had filled with abuse, I swore I would be different. This little child growing inside of me would never get hurt, he or she would never suffer the pain and anguish I had suffered. Everything I had would be his. And for a few short years it was.

The years of confusion, terror, and abuse I suffered caught up to us however. But that will be in many more posts to come. John is back and while we can never recover those years, we can move on and rebuild from here. John and Emily can build something good and be free from abuse. Maybe......

(see next post)

I'm Still Here, I'm Still Standing

2010-03-24T02:55:00.004-04:00

I'm okay, I'm alright
Hurricanes and trainwrecks only last one night
Would you believe all I've been through?
Had the hands of tempted fate
Oh, if you only knew
What it costs, how I wait
What I got, what I gave

Chorus:
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here

There was darkness, all around me
There were times I was sure I was drowning
There were people, who tried to reach me
But no matter how they loved me, I kept sinking
I got tired on my own hand, I reached inside and I saved myself

Chorus:
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here

This time I can survive.
I ain't dying on nobody else's cross
I ain't sufferin' no more unforgivin' loss
Oh, no.

I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
And I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here
I'm still here

Creative title for "About Me"?

2010-03-23T23:57:00.002-04:00

I am trying to come up with a creative title that says "About Me", but am hitting a roadblock.

No matter, I will simply type what comes into my brain tonight. I have posted a few music videos and given roundabout introductions of myself and my daughter. So I guess it is time for formal introductions.

My name is Annie* and I am an abuse survivor for over 4 decades. Yes you read that right, four decades. I plan to share my story and the story of my children on here as well when I have time. I also will use music which was my sole respite during the abusive episodes.

I started this blog for several reasons. Many years have passed since I left my abusive husband. Yet he still attempts to control not only our child but myself as well. He resorts to terrorist tactics among the few things he will do in order to continue to exert his control. He can no longer assault me, so this is what we are left with.

So I created this blog as kind of a journal of sorts (albeit a very public one) in order to release the tension I feel when his terror reign comes full circle yet once again. I also created it in order to document and show how much I have changed in this journey to be a divorced battered woman. And finally, we have a child who is stuck in the middle. The child you met in my post Why Did I Leave?. It was in this post that I brought you into my life a little and introduced Emily* to all of you. Emily has lived a very long life in her few short years. She sees good men at school, her best friends have a good dad, Emily has a wonderful big brother, many awesome uncles, and I have several decent male friends. But all the men in the world cannot make up for the fact that her father hates me more than he loves her.

So while she has seen the abuse he has inflicted and has no doubt in her young mind that this abuse is wrong, she has no where to take this. She loves her father but hates his actions. I will not tell her the truth while she is young (unlike her father as I will share as this blog moves along) but I will document it for her to see when she is mature and old enough to handle seeing the truth.

Some may fault me for that, but this is not an attempt to tear down her father. I want to show her what bad behavior looks like (and that just so happens to be his behavior) and on the same token share what good behavior looks like (my boyfriend, the father of her best friends, her uncles, her brother and other male friends).

There are many people in my life and as such these people are decent and good people and they know about this blog and they support my decision to create it 100%. They have no fears or qualms about the privacy factor, but I do. I am not quite ready to come out 100%. I hope all of you will understand that. As such all comments are moderated, and those who know my identity if I feel a post is too close to revealing my true self the comment will hit file 13 :-) I hope you do not mind and please don't take offense to that.

On the same token all comments who say I am lying, who call me names, who use any type of what I deem to be abusive behaviors will also be banned. I also make no apologies for that in advance. This blog as I said above is multi faceted. One of the most important aspects is a safe outlet for me. As such I REFUSE to allow abuse to invade what is mine.

I want to share the first episode of abuse I vividly recall as a young child. I do not have a lot of childhood recall, I remember mostly good stuff and there is quite enough bad stuff peeking through to make me realize (and also clue in the professionals involved) that I lived a horrendous childhood. Not as bad as some child abuse victims and worse than others. All in all though abuse is abuse is abuse, no matter the form it takes and the severity. It is all abuse and it all hurts.

I remember being about 7 or so and my brothers and sisters and I had done something that angered our father. He was again on one of his famous alcohol induced benders, and when he called us and pulled out the hassock, we knew it was time. Lining up youngest to oldest, we stood in line in front of that hassock and watched as one of us was called forward to choose "the stick". The stick was a 2 foot long green bamboo stick. I remember after "the stick" was chosen, one by one we would have to lean over the hassock and our father would use "the stick" on our bottoms. We could not cry especially my brothers because they were boys and they were not allowed to cry. Crying meant an extra spank for the girls and two for the boys. I never understood that.

Generally one of my brothers would take the blame for whatever it was that had been done, whether he was guilty or not. He did it to stop the beatings. What stands out about this one day was the fact that I was wearing what I now know was the ugliest pair of yellow shorts ever created. They had to be cut into pieces and thrown away because my mother could not get the green stains off of them and she could not thorw them away intact, otherwise what would people think of the green stains on the butt portion of my shorts? Back in the 70's there were not many stain remover products like we had now and she dared not buy them, because she would be abused for wasteful purchases and abuse was America's dirty little secret so we could not have anyone guessing that our father was beating us. No that would never do.....

Well I think that is enough to swallow for one night. On to spell check and then to sleep. I think a hot bath is called for tonight. It will relax my muscles and bring on those good sleep vibes.

On another note, please share this blog with anyone you feel may benefit. Please check back here often and comment. I may ramble from time to time, I may jump from the 19070's to 2010, but I hope to present and document a clear and concise journey of the pain not only myself but my chidlren, especially my children have endured due to this abuse. And it all starts somewhere.

I am breaking my silence in order to give my children a good life. Please hold my hand as I share my life with you and do not be harsh with me.

Every Breath You Take

2010-03-22T00:01:00.001-04:00

When this was released I truly felt this was about a man who loved his partner/wife/girlfriend. Wow how deluded was I? I now see it on the other end of a relationship plagued by stalking issues. Emily is even being used to escalate the stalking, so that my activities and whereabouts can be determined at any time - night or day. Does mommy stay at home? When does mommy get home? Where does mommy go when she leaves? Does anyone visit your mommy? Who comes to your house? Where do you and mommy go? Does mommy have a new boyfriend? Where does mommy's boyfriend live?

Then we get to move on to the harrassment and stalking of the boyfriend. Well, Mr. Z, you know Annie is a criminal? And I know all about this because... well I am just making up whatever I want to make up because I was not there and she told me about what happened and of course she is lying. All these women lie you see.

I know pretty lame huh? Brain is tired and very angry right now. I see something good slipping away and why? Because a man has the right to be a father. Children do not have rights to be safe. Mothers and ex-wives do not have a right to be people anymore. As if they ever had a right to be safe, to be their own person.

So back to "Every Breath You Take".... I see my abuser, Emily's abuser out there all the time. You might think I am crazy, but he admitted to following me and Emily and he also admitted to having friends and his family do likewise. The person to whom he admitted this little tidbit of information had an interesting observation.

First I would like a few comments about what you felt this "professional's" reply to me was about this admitted stalking. In a few days (or weeks whenever I feel like answering), I will post the actual verbatim comment (as noted in case files).

Now this will be interesting. I am curious what my readers think. And guess what? The results will probably surprise you and will probably scare many of you. And before we jump to conclusions, there is ABSOLUTELY no way this comment could be mistaken for anything other than what was spoken.

So on I go to zzz-land to catch a few winks before returning to my weekday world of jobs and school and lunches and work. Some enjoyment in the next week for me as there was this weekend. Still worried though as we quickly approach a major holiday and the abuser is set to turn up the volume on how much and whom he can control.

AND ABUSE.....

Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Oh can't you see you belong to me?
How my poor heart aches with every step you take
Every move you make and every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
I dream at night
I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please

Oh can't you see you belong to me?
How my poor heart aches with every step you take
Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Every move you make
Every step you take, I'll be watching you, I'll be watching you
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you

Behind The Wall

2010-03-19T18:00:00.000-04:00

Why did nobody call when they heard the screaming behind the wall? Did they not hear my terror filled cries? Did they not hear Emily when she would beg daddy to stop? Why did the police turn their backs on us? Why didn't they find him when he ran after the beatings? Why didn't anyone listen at all?

Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

And when they arrive
They say they can't interfere
With domestic affairs
Between a man and his wife
And as they walk out the door
The tears well up in her eyes

Last night I heard the screaming
Then a silence that chilled my soul
Prayed that I was dreaming
When I saw the ambulance in the road

And the policeman said
"I'm here to keep the peace
Will the crowd disperse
I think we all could use some sleep"

Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

Annie are you OK? I will be!

2010-03-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

I have left so there will be no more bloodstains on the carpet. But what kind of pain are you causing with your stalking? With your constant threats? With your itimidation tactics? Why do the courts and law enforcement allow you to do this?

As He Came Into The Window
It Was The Sound Of A Crescendo
He Came Into Her Apartment
He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet
She Ran Underneath The Table
He Could See She Was Unable
So She Ran Into The Bedroom
She Was Struck Down, It Was Her Doom

Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK,
Are You OK, Annie

(Annie Are You OK)
(Will You Tell Us That You're OK)
(There's A Sign In The Window)
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
(He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet)
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom)

Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
You've Been Hit By
You've Been hit By
A Smooth Criminal

So They Came Into The Outway
It Was Sunday-What A Black Day
Mouth To Mouth Resus-Citation
Sounding Heartbeats-Intimidations

Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie

(Annie Are You OK)
(Will You Tell Us That You're OK)
(There's A Sign In The Window)
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
(He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet)
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom)

(Annie Are You OK)
(So, Annie Are You OK)
(Are You OK Annie)
(You've Been Hit By)
(You've Been Struck By
A Smooth Criminal)

Okay, I Want Everybody To Clear The Area Right Now!

Aaow!
(Annie Are You OK)
I Don't Know!
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK)
I Don't Know!
(There's A Sign In The Window)
I Don't Know!
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
I Don't Know!
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
I Don't Know!
(Left Bloodstains On The Carpet)
I Don't Know Why Baby!
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
I Don't Know!
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom-Annie!)
(Annie Are You OK)
Dad Gone It-Baby!
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK)
Dad Gone It-Baby!
(There's A Sign In The Window)
Dad Gone It-Baby!
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
Hoo! Hoo!
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
Dad Gone It!
(Left Bloodstains On The Carpet)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
Doggone It!
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom-Annie!)
Aaow!!!

Because Of you

2010-03-18T04:18:00.000-04:00

I am quite possibly a typical abuse victim or maybe not. I have to decide how much I want people to know. Do I reveal all and risk revealing myself and my "Emily"? Do I bare my soul and pray someone will read this and say okay enough is enough?

I heard this song and it did not hit me until after I left my abuser. But which abuser would that have been? Was it my father? My mother? Any of a number of my family? My husband, father to my "Emily"? Maybe I was not ready for the message this song has given me?

What message is that? I do not want to blame. I want to move on. How can I move on when everyday I fear? Every day I wait for that other shoe. Every day I fear. EVERYDAY!

I made the mistakes. I ignored the signs. I hope my "Emily" can see those signs and run fast. I actually pray that she does not have to learn the hard way. I hope I can give her the gift of trust. How do I do that when I cannot trust even myself because of my choices? Can my heart break more than it already has?

Do I play on the safe side? Or do I continue to go down a wreckless path? What did I ever do to have such a life? What life is that? This life where I struggle and fight and cower and fear. The life where I would love to stray and see what is there. I want to let someone in DAMMIT! But BECAUSE OF YOU I AM AFRAID. Why and how did you get that power? How do I take it back?

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Why did I leave?

2010-03-18T02:34:00.002-04:00

Many might wonder - why did you leave? What was so awful? I have an Emily also. I did NOT want my Emily growing up like I did. I did not want her to think beatings were part of everyday life. She needs respect, needs to see it, give it, and get it in return. She needs to know that men and women can love each other and not CONTROL. So please watch the videos I post, read my story and that of my Emily, and maybe you will cry, maybe you will be as angry as I am, and maybe, just maybe you will want to do something about this horrendous experience. Maybe the next Emily will be free from this.

Floorboard's filled with baby toys
An' empty coke bottles an' coffee cups
Drivin' through the rain with no radio
Tryin' not to wake her up

Cell phone says "low battery"
God what if i break down?
I'm just lookin' for an exit with a lotta lights
A safe little interstate town

Just a cheap hotel
With a single bed
And cable tv
Is good enough for me an' emily

Some day when she's old enough
She's gonna start askin' questions about him
Some kid at school brings his dad for show an' tell
An' gets her little mind a wonderin'

"where's my daddy? do i have one?
Does he not love me like you do?"
Oh maybe i'll find someone to love the both of us now
An' i'll tell her when she's old enough to know the truth

Will it break her heart?
Will she understand
That i had to leave?
That's what was best for me an' emily

That house was never clean enough his dinner never warm enough
Nothing i did was ever good enough to make him happy
So i guess he gave me what he thought i deserved
But it would kill me if he ever raised his hand to her

Big rigs are throwin' rain on my windshield now
An' i feel like they're laughin' at me
Finally the storm is lettin' up
An' the mornin' is breakin' free

It's a brand new day
It's a second chance
Yesterday is just a memory
For me an' emily

Floorboard is filled with baby toys
An' empty coke bottles an' coffee cups
Least there's one good thing that he gave me
An' she's startin' to wake up

No more Broken WINGS!

2010-03-18T00:01:00.002-04:00

From time to time I will post videos about my experiences. I am posting this as my first in honor of my blog and my journey to the light and to truth and to freedom!

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up on her
Give a little then take it back

She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground
He said Only angels know how to fly

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

One Sunday morning
She didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly