No More Broken Wings
6/2/13
Daddy
Even though this song is very harsh, it is often the way victims feel about their abusers. I often felt this way about my father. Now comes the time to share another story about the man I called daddy, the man I alternated between love and hate.
This man was a a tyrant. This man expected better than perfection. This man was less than perfection.
I remember so much good but how can I look at the good with anything less than tears in my eyes and a pain in my chest buried deep?
This man would drink himself to oblivion. He would get angry at the smallest things. One such evening he was drunk yet again and angry. The neighbors dog was barking and making a huge racket. My father stumbled out the door with a knife so he could shut the dog up. My siblings and I were cowering because we knew if we said anything we would be the target. But how could we be silent? Our mother spoke up and just as we knew, she became the target of his rage. I do not remember if she suffered one of the many beatings she endured or not, but I know she rushed us off to bed. I woke to use the bathroom early the next morning and my father was laying in the living room in another pile of vomit. My mother sat on the couch and sent me back to bed telling me everything would be okay.
I did not understand it though. How could everything be okay? My father appeared near dead, it was early the next day, my mother had to work and she was still awake and the house smelled because of the vomit. But as promised when we woke to go to school the next day, our father was silent drinking his coffee, my mother was cooking breakfast with a smile on her face and the smell was long gone.
So I must wonder, is it because of this that I met a man like Emily's father? Is Emily destined to live this same life? Will she listen to this song and feel this way about her Daddy?
My bones are tired, Daddy
I don't get enough sleep
I don't eat as good as I could, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy
Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney.
Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy.
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean.
Gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy.
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy
Go ahead and psycho-analyze that.
'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love, Daddy.
Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do
Well last night I saw you sneak out your window
With your white hood, Daddy
What's' that say about you?
I'm sloppy, what's that say about you?
I'm messy, what's that say about you?
My bones are tired, Daddy
This man was a a tyrant. This man expected better than perfection. This man was less than perfection.
I remember so much good but how can I look at the good with anything less than tears in my eyes and a pain in my chest buried deep?
This man would drink himself to oblivion. He would get angry at the smallest things. One such evening he was drunk yet again and angry. The neighbors dog was barking and making a huge racket. My father stumbled out the door with a knife so he could shut the dog up. My siblings and I were cowering because we knew if we said anything we would be the target. But how could we be silent? Our mother spoke up and just as we knew, she became the target of his rage. I do not remember if she suffered one of the many beatings she endured or not, but I know she rushed us off to bed. I woke to use the bathroom early the next morning and my father was laying in the living room in another pile of vomit. My mother sat on the couch and sent me back to bed telling me everything would be okay.
I did not understand it though. How could everything be okay? My father appeared near dead, it was early the next day, my mother had to work and she was still awake and the house smelled because of the vomit. But as promised when we woke to go to school the next day, our father was silent drinking his coffee, my mother was cooking breakfast with a smile on her face and the smell was long gone.
So I must wonder, is it because of this that I met a man like Emily's father? Is Emily destined to live this same life? Will she listen to this song and feel this way about her Daddy?
My bones are tired, Daddy
I don't get enough sleep
I don't eat as good as I could, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy
Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney.
Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy.
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean.
Gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy.
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy
Go ahead and psycho-analyze that.
'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love, Daddy.
Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do
Well last night I saw you sneak out your window
With your white hood, Daddy
What's' that say about you?
I'm sloppy, what's that say about you?
I'm messy, what's that say about you?
My bones are tired, Daddy
Back from The Land Of The Lost - and I am going to make TIME
I first want to send my apologies to those loyal followers still left. Some of you know I did not intentionally disappear. That little thing called 'LIFE' hit me. If I told you, you would think I am crazy. I will eventually get into it but for now I am back, I am ready to vent and share and spill and cry and rant and... well and HEAL. I want to heal and I want to help Emily heal as well. That's why I started this blog, to share my life with you, to gain insight into my horrible choices, to pat myself on the back for the good choices, and gain some insight into how to get the good choices to outnumber the bad.
So climb aboard and prepare for a bumpy ride. It won't be pretty most of the time, but I am back to hoping that the end result is a beautiful masterpiece.
This time I am going to make time and no matter what, I will never say again, I don't have time.
"She Didn't Have Time"
He said goodbye from the edge of the porch
Like she'd been some casual friend
He said "You're better off without me, I'm not what you need"
like her momma had said about him
He started the car pulled out of the drive didn't waste anytime lookin back
She watched him go thinkin even a stranger would show more compassion than that
She could've cried but she didn't have tim
She had a baby to feed, a pink blanket to find, to rock their little one to sleep
She could've laid in bed for hours giving misery the power
But she didn't have time
She got a sitter and she got a job 'cause she had a promise to keep
Her day was a factory and evenin survival and night was exhaustion and sleep Sometimes she felt life was passing her by and watching was all she could do
Her friends said "You gotta get outta the house and maybe you'll meet someone new"
She could've tried but she didn't have time
She had a five years old to feed, she had ballet class, piano lessons and t-ball little league
She could've laid awake for hours giving lonely nights the power
But she didn't have time
Not time, where would she find the time to trust a man again
Not time, for that flat tire, a crowded parking lot and then,
Not time, but yes have coffee with the man that got her tire fixed
She was thinking "Gosh, he's handsome"
When he asked "Do you have kids?"
She could've lied but she didn't have time, all she said was "She's five"
He said "I saw the car seat, I love kids, does she have your eyes"
And they sat and talked for hours givin destiny its power
She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time
She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time
So climb aboard and prepare for a bumpy ride. It won't be pretty most of the time, but I am back to hoping that the end result is a beautiful masterpiece.
This time I am going to make time and no matter what, I will never say again, I don't have time.
"She Didn't Have Time"
He said goodbye from the edge of the porch
Like she'd been some casual friend
He said "You're better off without me, I'm not what you need"
like her momma had said about him
He started the car pulled out of the drive didn't waste anytime lookin back
She watched him go thinkin even a stranger would show more compassion than that
She could've cried but she didn't have tim
She had a baby to feed, a pink blanket to find, to rock their little one to sleep
She could've laid in bed for hours giving misery the power
But she didn't have time
She got a sitter and she got a job 'cause she had a promise to keep
Her day was a factory and evenin survival and night was exhaustion and sleep Sometimes she felt life was passing her by and watching was all she could do
Her friends said "You gotta get outta the house and maybe you'll meet someone new"
She could've tried but she didn't have time
She had a five years old to feed, she had ballet class, piano lessons and t-ball little league
She could've laid awake for hours giving lonely nights the power
But she didn't have time
Not time, where would she find the time to trust a man again
Not time, for that flat tire, a crowded parking lot and then,
Not time, but yes have coffee with the man that got her tire fixed
She was thinking "Gosh, he's handsome"
When he asked "Do you have kids?"
She could've lied but she didn't have time, all she said was "She's five"
He said "I saw the car seat, I love kids, does she have your eyes"
And they sat and talked for hours givin destiny its power
She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time
She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time
Labels: Expose Abuse, Fear, healing, Land of the lost, making time, Music, She Didn't Have Time, Terri Clark
