No More Broken Wings

I first want to send my apologies to those loyal followers still left. Some of you know I did not intentionally disappear. That little thing called 'LIFE' hit me. If I told you, you would think I am crazy. I will eventually get into it but for now I am back, I am ready to vent and share and spill and cry and rant and... well and HEAL. I want to heal and I want to help Emily heal as well. That's why I started this blog, to share my life with you, to gain insight into my horrible choices, to pat myself on the back for the good choices, and gain some insight into how to get the good choices to outnumber the bad.

So climb aboard and prepare for a bumpy ride. It won't be pretty most of the time, but I am back to hoping that the end result is a beautiful masterpiece.

This time I am going to make time and no matter what, I will never say again, I don't have time.




"She Didn't Have Time"

He said goodbye from the edge of the porch
Like she'd been some casual friend
He said "You're better off without me, I'm not what you need"
like her momma had said about him
He started the car pulled out of the drive didn't waste anytime lookin back
She watched him go thinkin even a stranger would show more compassion than that

She could've cried but she didn't have tim
She had a baby to feed, a pink blanket to find, to rock their little one to sleep
She could've laid in bed for hours giving misery the power
But she didn't have time

She got a sitter and she got a job 'cause she had a promise to keep
Her day was a factory and evenin survival and night was exhaustion and sleep Sometimes she felt life was passing her by and watching was all she could do
Her friends said "You gotta get outta the house and maybe you'll meet someone new"

She could've tried but she didn't have time
She had a five years old to feed, she had ballet class, piano lessons and t-ball little league
She could've laid awake for hours giving lonely nights the power
But she didn't have time

Not time, where would she find the time to trust a man again
Not time, for that flat tire, a crowded parking lot and then,
Not time, but yes have coffee with the man that got her tire fixed
She was thinking "Gosh, he's handsome"
When he asked "Do you have kids?"

She could've lied but she didn't have time, all she said was "She's five"
He said "I saw the car seat, I love kids, does she have your eyes"
And they sat and talked for hours givin destiny its power
She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time

She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time

Labels: Expose Abuse, Fear, healing, Land of the lost, making time, Music, She Didn't Have Time, Terri Clark

My abuser won another battle in this war he has created. All I wanted was to raise my daughter in peace free from abuse. This man raped me, battered me, terrorized me. And now he has pulled Emily into this nightmare. How I wish I could have just hit the road and not had to suffer through this, how I wish I could have protected Emily from this monster. Now he has an ally in his new paramour. But as my best friend so eloquently pointed out, I am strong. This is only temporary. He has not seen the last of me. I will come back stronger than ever. I will not allow him to push me down and hurt me and our child any longer.

Times are hard but I was built tough I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.....


And I will......

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

Labels: Abuse, Annie, Cher, Emily, Fear, Freedom, Music, Restraining Order Abuse, Songs Free Us, Stalking, You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me Yet

Apologies now for being gone so long. My life has taken an upside roller coaster twist with no end in sight. A very young member of my family was taken tragically just recently and there is another family member fighting for life as we speak.

There are just no words for the pain we are all enduring. So I publish this beautiful song a little early and to my young family member may angels watch over you. I know there were several there to greet you as you made that voyage. I truly hope you felt no pain. You will be missed immensely. Your mother and father loved you more than life itself. Please send a special angel to your mom in this awful time to assure her that you are okay sweetie.

Love and miss you bunches....



I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with their mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

Labels: Abuse, Alabama, Angels Among Us, Annie, Emily, Freedom, Music, Songs Free Us

I know it has been several months since I have posted anything and much of that is the direct result of our abuser. Emily has been through some very rough times in the last few months. But I truly believe I gave her the strength of thousands even in her weakest moments. If we could just get her to see her own strengths.

Now I promised from the first post I would share more of our lives with you. The further I get into our story, the more apparent it will be who I truly am. And with that we will be revealed. But I do believe that time will come when it is right. When it is meant to be.

If you have been coming here you know my pen name is Annie and will remain Annie until that time is right. I want to tell you a little more about me. A little more about why I had broken wings. Why I have tried so hard to heal those broken wings so I can fly again. Why I feel I am so close to flying again. But to know all this we must go back to the beginning.

I come from a very large family and even as dysfunctional as we were I knew we were all loved. My mother and father loved me the best the knew how to love me and my siblings. But they both had their own issues they brought to the marriage, they both had their strengths and their weaknesses.

I remember so much of both of them and this post I will start sharing my father with you. He could so strict and so mean. But he could be so protective at the same time. I remember well a time when I was in grade school and we were going to church and I caught another student breaking the school rules. I proceeded to tell that student how bad it was what they were doing and where they would go if they did not stop doing it. Because after all that is what the church taught us. Everyone who did not repent their evil deeds and thoughts would go straight to hell. I was nearly punished at school for that offense and my father swooped in and rescued me.

I can remember those events where he was the loving and protective father. But I can also remember the horrible events where I was scared to death. Where I cowered in a closet or under my bed. Where I cleaned up the vomit. But that is for another post. We must not rush this. Rome was not built in a day. So my song for today is Concrete Angel. Because that was the start of the pain behind the mask. That was when I started building these walls that most find it impossible to tear down.



She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Labels: About Me, Abuse, Annie, Concrete Angel, Fear, Freedom, Martina McBride, Music, Siblings, Songs Free Us

It has been many months since I have done any posting. For those who are wondering this wonderful and scary thing called life has hit all of us square in the face. So much good and sadly some of it is truly bad. So tonight and for the past few months my mood has been to not cry out loud. What good will it do to cry? Nobody listens, nobody hears, nobody cares.

Baby cried the day the circus came to town 'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her

I don't cry for the circus (this crazy thing called life) because I know I will never have one. EVER.

Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings

I cannot cry anymore. The tears are gone. Oh they still flow at times, but it does nothing anymore. Nothing.

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown While she danced without a net upon the wire

I dance on that wire every day. I move and the wire moves. I stop and the wire stops. One day I will fall. But as always I pick myself up. How much more until I can no longer pick myself up?

Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings Fly high and proud And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Trying so hard not to cry. If it starts it will never end. Learning how to hide those feelings? I have that one under control. Nobody will ever know the truth. Nobody can EVER see the pain. They would run in the opposite direction as fast as they ran to us. Falling? Do that every day. Make mistakes every day. One day it will be impossible to get back up again though. And yes I did almost make it. Will we be allowed to make it? Will John, Emily and I be allowed the freedom for a happy life? Or are we all destined to fail every time? Are we always destined to make the worst choices?

I see others moving on and wonder when will it be my turn. Who will love me and Emily? And John?

Nobody..................


Ever...................




“Don't Cry Out Loud”

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Labels: Annie, Don't Cry Out Loud, Emily, John, Music

I am getting scared for my Emily. Her father is becoming more unstable as the days go by. I read all of the stories on fathers killing the children and the mothers, and I worry for Emily and I. Will we become one of those statistics? Or can we make it through so she can age out and then we will both be protected? I saw an article about a lovely place to live and it would not cost much at all. Can we get to the "aging out" and move in peace and never have to bother with him again? Will she make it through to the end, which will be our new beginning? We want to be free from all abuse and have our own Independence day!



Well she seemed all right by dawn’s early light though she looked a little
Worried and weak she tried to pretend he wasn’t drinkin’ aagain but daddy left
The proof on her cheek and I was only eight years old that summer and I always
Seemed to be in the way so I took myself down to the fair in town on
Independence day

Well word gets a round in a small, small town they said he was a dangerous man
But mama was proud and she stood her ground she knew she was on the losin’ end
Some folks whispered some folks talked but everybody looked the other way and
When time ran out there was no one about on indpendence day

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing let the whole world know that
Today is a day of reckoning let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong roll
The stone away, let the guilty pay, it’s independence day

Well she lit up the sky that fourth of july by the time the firemen come they
Just put out the flames and took down some names and send me to the county home
Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right or it’s wrong but maybe it’s the only way talk
About your revolution it’s indepenednce day

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing let the whole world know that
Today is a day of reckoning let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong roll
The stone away, let the guilty pay, it’s independence day

Roll the stone away it’s independence day

Labels: Freedom, Independence day, Music, Songs Free Us

Hell is not for children it should only be reserved for those who abuse children and the people those children hold near and dear to their hearts.

I am back again and hurting tonight. I see many advocates in pain suffering while blogging, twittering, and connecting with other advocates and victims. I feel my story while intense and graphic and something that should never have happened to me or to my children is minor, so very minor.

So I come again to open another piece of my life to you. To give away yet another piece of this monstrosity I call "my life".

Emily again is afraid. Afraid to stand up and afraid not to stand up. Our abuser is terrorizing us yet again. He is threatening to tear up her life, cause her embarrassment. If we stand up and say no more, the embarrassment will be there. If we fold and lay down silent, we are victimized yet again. The situation is so trivial in and of itself, yet it is the small things that will become huge. If we remain silent, we invite more evil and worse events upon us in the future. It is the way of an abuser.

What is causing little Emily such strife? Her school is on vacation very soon and her father is demanding that he have her beyond what has been ordered through the courts. Now if he was not abusive to me, if his current spouse did not assist him in his reign of terror, if he was truly a loving father to Emily, I would have no qualms about him having this time. But sadly, Emily's father is none of these things. And rather than be a good father, he must flex his muscles and show who is boss. And Emily, dear sweet Emily, is torn in too many pieces by another episode. Much like her mother has been over my life. And how to explain to this child without falling into that trap of "alienation" that befalls so many protective mothers and children? How do I explain what she sees and still maintain under the law of our state the bond between father and child, that in all honesty should be his job to maintain and nurture?

Stuck in the middle of this mess is another child, now grown, John. This child was denied relationship after relationship with his biological family due to greed.

And these children need each other. They need to move past the abuses and grow together as siblings. And Emily's father wants to deny this bond between siblings. He in fact feels it is his God-given right to demand and have us acquiese to those demands. OUR feelings mean nothing to him. They mean even less to his new spouse.

So we shall see what the future holds for us. Will Emily be tortured and embarrassed and move one step closer to that ever approaching hell we call forced separation that many protective mothers and children suffer silently in family courts around the world? Will her world suddenly become hell as Pat Benatar says here? Or will I, Annie, be able to save her from that? Can I do something to not only save her but keep all the other Emily's out there safe?

Only time will tell. Until then please pray for me, my family, but especially for Emily and John in the coming days and weeks.



They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears
They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child
Because Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes, and then apologize
You're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell off the swing
Because Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
No, Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell Is For Children
Hell Is For Children

Labels: Abuse, Emily, Hell Is For Children, John, Music, Pat Benatar, Siblings

I'm okay, I'm alright
Hurricanes and trainwrecks only last one night
Would you believe all I've been through?
Had the hands of tempted fate
Oh, if you only knew
What it costs, how I wait
What I got, what I gave

Chorus:
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here

There was darkness, all around me
There were times I was sure I was drowning
There were people, who tried to reach me
But no matter how they loved me, I kept sinking
I got tired on my own hand, I reached inside and I saved myself

Chorus:
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here

This time I can survive.
I ain't dying on nobody else's cross
I ain't sufferin' no more unforgivin' loss
Oh, no.

I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
And I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here
I'm still here

Labels: Abuse, I'm Still Here, Mindy McCready, Music, Songs Free Us

When this was released I truly felt this was about a man who loved his partner/wife/girlfriend. Wow how deluded was I? I now see it on the other end of a relationship plagued by stalking issues. Emily is even being used to escalate the stalking, so that my activities and whereabouts can be determined at any time - night or day. Does mommy stay at home? When does mommy get home? Where does mommy go when she leaves? Does anyone visit your mommy? Who comes to your house? Where do you and mommy go? Does mommy have a new boyfriend? Where does mommy's boyfriend live?

Then we get to move on to the harrassment and stalking of the boyfriend. Well, Mr. Z, you know Annie is a criminal? And I know all about this because... well I am just making up whatever I want to make up because I was not there and she told me about what happened and of course she is lying. All these women lie you see.

I know pretty lame huh? Brain is tired and very angry right now. I see something good slipping away and why? Because a man has the right to be a father. Children do not have rights to be safe. Mothers and ex-wives do not have a right to be people anymore. As if they ever had a right to be safe, to be their own person.

So back to "Every Breath You Take".... I see my abuser, Emily's abuser out there all the time. You might think I am crazy, but he admitted to following me and Emily and he also admitted to having friends and his family do likewise. The person to whom he admitted this little tidbit of information had an interesting observation.

First I would like a few comments about what you felt this "professional's" reply to me was about this admitted stalking. In a few days (or weeks whenever I feel like answering), I will post the actual verbatim comment (as noted in case files).

Now this will be interesting. I am curious what my readers think. And guess what? The results will probably surprise you and will probably scare many of you. And before we jump to conclusions, there is ABSOLUTELY no way this comment could be mistaken for anything other than what was spoken.

So on I go to zzz-land to catch a few winks before returning to my weekday world of jobs and school and lunches and work. Some enjoyment in the next week for me as there was this weekend. Still worried though as we quickly approach a major holiday and the abuser is set to turn up the volume on how much and whom he can control.

AND ABUSE.....



Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Oh can't you see you belong to me?
How my poor heart aches with every step you take
Every move you make and every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
I dream at night
I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please

Oh can't you see you belong to me?
How my poor heart aches with every step you take
Every move you make
And every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Every move you make
Every step you take, I'll be watching you, I'll be watching you
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake, I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay, I'll be watching you
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you

Labels: Abuse, Every Breath You Take, Music, Police, Songs Free Us, Stalking

Why did nobody call when they heard the screaming behind the wall? Did they not hear my terror filled cries? Did they not hear Emily when she would beg daddy to stop? Why did the police turn their backs on us? Why didn't they find him when he ran after the beatings? Why didn't anyone listen at all?



Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

And when they arrive
They say they can't interfere
With domestic affairs
Between a man and his wife
And as they walk out the door
The tears well up in her eyes

Last night I heard the screaming
Then a silence that chilled my soul
Prayed that I was dreaming
When I saw the ambulance in the road

And the policeman said
"I'm here to keep the peace
Will the crowd disperse
I think we all could use some sleep"

Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

Labels: Abuse, Behind The Wall, Music, Police, Songs Free Us, Tracy Chapman

I have left so there will be no more bloodstains on the carpet. But what kind of pain are you causing with your stalking? With your constant threats? With your itimidation tactics? Why do the courts and law enforcement allow you to do this?



As He Came Into The Window
It Was The Sound Of A Crescendo
He Came Into Her Apartment
He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet
She Ran Underneath The Table
He Could See She Was Unable
So She Ran Into The Bedroom
She Was Struck Down, It Was Her Doom

Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK, Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK,
Are You OK, Annie

(Annie Are You OK)
(Will You Tell Us That You're OK)
(There's A Sign In The Window)
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
(He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet)
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom)

Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
You've Been Hit By
You've Been hit By
A Smooth Criminal

So They Came Into The Outway
It Was Sunday-What A Black Day
Mouth To Mouth Resus-Citation
Sounding Heartbeats-Intimidations

Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie
Annie Are You OK
So, Annie Are You OK
Are You OK Annie

(Annie Are You OK)
(Will You Tell Us That You're OK)
(There's A Sign In The Window)
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
(He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet)
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom)

(Annie Are You OK)
(So, Annie Are You OK)
(Are You OK Annie)
(You've Been Hit By)
(You've Been Struck By
A Smooth Criminal)

Okay, I Want Everybody To Clear The Area Right Now!

Aaow!
(Annie Are You OK)
I Don't Know!
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK)
I Don't Know!
(There's A Sign In The Window)
I Don't Know!
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
I Don't Know!
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
I Don't Know!
(Left Bloodstains On The Carpet)
I Don't Know Why Baby!
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
I Don't Know!
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom-Annie!)
(Annie Are You OK)
Dad Gone It-Baby!
(Will You Tell Us, That You're OK)
Dad Gone It-Baby!
(There's A Sign In The Window)
Dad Gone It-Baby!
(That He Struck You-A Crescendo Annie)
Hoo! Hoo!
(He Came Into Your Apartment)
Dad Gone It!
(Left Bloodstains On The Carpet)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
(Then You Ran Into The Bedroom)
Doggone It!
(You Were Struck Down)
(It Was Your Doom-Annie!)
Aaow!!!

Labels: Abuse, Freedom, Music, Smooth Criminal, Songs Free Us

I am quite possibly a typical abuse victim or maybe not. I have to decide how much I want people to know. Do I reveal all and risk revealing myself and my "Emily"? Do I bare my soul and pray someone will read this and say okay enough is enough?

I heard this song and it did not hit me until after I left my abuser. But which abuser would that have been? Was it my father? My mother? Any of a number of my family? My husband, father to my "Emily"? Maybe I was not ready for the message this song has given me?

What message is that? I do not want to blame. I want to move on. How can I move on when everyday I fear? Every day I wait for that other shoe. Every day I fear. EVERYDAY!

I made the mistakes. I ignored the signs. I hope my "Emily" can see those signs and run fast. I actually pray that she does not have to learn the hard way. I hope I can give her the gift of trust. How do I do that when I cannot trust even myself because of my choices? Can my heart break more than it already has?

Do I play on the safe side? Or do I continue to go down a wreckless path? What did I ever do to have such a life? What life is that? This life where I struggle and fight and cower and fear. The life where I would love to stray and see what is there. I want to let someone in DAMMIT! But BECAUSE OF YOU I AM AFRAID. Why and how did you get that power? How do I take it back?



I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Labels: Abuse, Because of You, Fear, Freedom, Music, Songs Free Us

Many might wonder - why did you leave? What was so awful? I have an Emily also. I did NOT want my Emily growing up like I did. I did not want her to think beatings were part of everyday life. She needs respect, needs to see it, give it, and get it in return. She needs to know that men and women can love each other and not CONTROL. So please watch the videos I post, read my story and that of my Emily, and maybe you will cry, maybe you will be as angry as I am, and maybe, just maybe you will want to do something about this horrendous experience. Maybe the next Emily will be free from this.



Floorboard's filled with baby toys
An' empty coke bottles an' coffee cups
Drivin' through the rain with no radio
Tryin' not to wake her up

Cell phone says "low battery"
God what if i break down?
I'm just lookin' for an exit with a lotta lights
A safe little interstate town

Just a cheap hotel
With a single bed
And cable tv
Is good enough for me an' emily

Some day when she's old enough
She's gonna start askin' questions about him
Some kid at school brings his dad for show an' tell
An' gets her little mind a wonderin'

"where's my daddy? do i have one?
Does he not love me like you do?"
Oh maybe i'll find someone to love the both of us now
An' i'll tell her when she's old enough to know the truth

Will it break her heart?
Will she understand
That i had to leave?
That's what was best for me an' emily

That house was never clean enough his dinner never warm enough
Nothing i did was ever good enough to make him happy
So i guess he gave me what he thought i deserved
But it would kill me if he ever raised his hand to her

Big rigs are throwin' rain on my windshield now
An' i feel like they're laughin' at me
Finally the storm is lettin' up
An' the mornin' is breakin' free

It's a brand new day
It's a second chance
Yesterday is just a memory
For me an' emily

Floorboard is filled with baby toys
An' empty coke bottles an' coffee cups
Least there's one good thing that he gave me
An' she's startin' to wake up

Labels: Freedom, Me and Emily, Music, Songs Free Us

From time to time I will post videos about my experiences.  I am posting this as my first in honor of my blog and my journey to the light and to truth and to freedom!



She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up on her
Give a little then take it back

She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground
He said Only angels know how to fly

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

One Sunday morning
She didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

Labels: Broken Wing, Freedom, Music, Songs Free Us