No More Broken Wings

7/19/13

Dropping in with a quick note

It has been brought to my attention that my website link is posted on the website for Protective Mother's Alliance owned and operated by Janice Levinson using famed DV expert Lundy Bancroft's name and works (with his permission). I want to state to the readers of my blog that due to recent actions taken by Levinson and others affiliated with her and her group and as of this morning condoned by Bancroft, that I do not and never have support Levinson nor PMA.

At one time I had a very high level of respect for Bancroft but that has completely disipated in light of his blind support of Levinson in her attempt to smear several protective mother's good names in what I perceive to be a voyage to notoriety, power, fame, glory and monetary gain by Levinson. My respect for Bancroft has disinigrated to nothing at this point and i am saddened when I see what was once a solid record of teamwork between the different groups apparently being destroyed by one woman and what appears to be callous greed.

I do not support PMA, Bancrift or Levinson and would caution anyone visiting this blog to either run as fast as they can away from any affiliation with them or to proceed with EXTREME caution as you could be the next one Levinson attempts to destroy.
posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 1:39 PM 0 comments

6/2/13

Daddy

Even though this song is very harsh, it is often the way victims feel about their abusers. I often felt this way about my father. Now comes the time to share another story about the man I called daddy, the man I alternated between love and hate.

This man was a a tyrant. This man expected better than perfection. This man was less than perfection.

I remember so much good but how can I look at the good with anything less than tears in my eyes and a pain in my chest buried deep?

This man would drink himself to oblivion. He would get angry at the smallest things. One such evening he was drunk yet again and angry. The neighbors dog was barking and making a huge racket. My father stumbled out the door with a knife so he could shut the dog up. My siblings and I were cowering because we knew if we said anything we would be the target. But how could we be silent? Our mother spoke up and just as we knew, she became the target of his rage. I do not remember if she suffered one of the many beatings she endured or not, but I know she rushed us off to bed. I woke to use the bathroom early the next morning and my father was laying in the living room in another pile of vomit. My mother sat on the couch and sent me back to bed telling me everything would be okay.

I did not understand it though. How could everything be okay? My father appeared near dead, it was early the next day, my mother had to work and she was still awake and the house smelled because of the vomit. But as promised when we woke to go to school the next day, our father was silent drinking his coffee, my mother was cooking breakfast with a smile on her face and the smell was long gone.

So I must wonder, is it because of this that I met a man like Emily's father? Is Emily destined to live this same life? Will she listen to this song and feel this way about her Daddy?



My bones are tired, Daddy
I don't get enough sleep
I don't eat as good as I could, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy
Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney.
Yes, I left the refrigerator door half open, Daddy.
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean.
Gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, Daddy
What's that say about me?
Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy.
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy
Go ahead and psycho-analyze that.
'Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love, Daddy.
Grew up to be and do all those sick things you said I'd do
Well last night I saw you sneak out your window
With your white hood, Daddy
What's' that say about you?
I'm sloppy, what's that say about you?
I'm messy, what's that say about you?
My bones are tired, Daddy

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 5:47 AM 0 comments

Back from The Land Of The Lost - and I am going to make TIME

I first want to send my apologies to those loyal followers still left. Some of you know I did not intentionally disappear. That little thing called 'LIFE' hit me. If I told you, you would think I am crazy. I will eventually get into it but for now I am back, I am ready to vent and share and spill and cry and rant and... well and HEAL. I want to heal and I want to help Emily heal as well. That's why I started this blog, to share my life with you, to gain insight into my horrible choices, to pat myself on the back for the good choices, and gain some insight into how to get the good choices to outnumber the bad.

So climb aboard and prepare for a bumpy ride. It won't be pretty most of the time, but I am back to hoping that the end result is a beautiful masterpiece.

This time I am going to make time and no matter what, I will never say again, I don't have time.




"She Didn't Have Time"

He said goodbye from the edge of the porch
Like she'd been some casual friend
He said "You're better off without me, I'm not what you need"
like her momma had said about him
He started the car pulled out of the drive didn't waste anytime lookin back
She watched him go thinkin even a stranger would show more compassion than that

She could've cried but she didn't have tim
She had a baby to feed, a pink blanket to find, to rock their little one to sleep
She could've laid in bed for hours giving misery the power
But she didn't have time

She got a sitter and she got a job 'cause she had a promise to keep
Her day was a factory and evenin survival and night was exhaustion and sleep Sometimes she felt life was passing her by and watching was all she could do
Her friends said "You gotta get outta the house and maybe you'll meet someone new"

She could've tried but she didn't have time
She had a five years old to feed, she had ballet class, piano lessons and t-ball little league
She could've laid awake for hours giving lonely nights the power
But she didn't have time

Not time, where would she find the time to trust a man again
Not time, for that flat tire, a crowded parking lot and then,
Not time, but yes have coffee with the man that got her tire fixed
She was thinking "Gosh, he's handsome"
When he asked "Do you have kids?"

She could've lied but she didn't have time, all she said was "She's five"
He said "I saw the car seat, I love kids, does she have your eyes"
And they sat and talked for hours givin destiny its power
She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time

She could've been afraid to fall in love that night
But she didn't have time

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 4:34 AM 0 comments

11/9/11

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me Yet

My abuser won another battle in this war he has created. All I wanted was to raise my daughter in peace free from abuse. This man raped me, battered me, terrorized me. And now he has pulled Emily into this nightmare. How I wish I could have just hit the road and not had to suffer through this, how I wish I could have protected Emily from this monster. Now he has an ally in his new paramour. But as my best friend so eloquently pointed out, I am strong. This is only temporary. He has not seen the last of me. I will come back stronger than ever. I will not allow him to push me down and hurt me and our child any longer.

Times are hard but I was built tough I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.....


And I will......





"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 9:32 AM 0 comments

I AM Coming Out!

Sadly it is nearly that time. I thought I would be able to hold on and keep it together for myself and Emily. But I cannot. The legal abuse our abuser is inflicting on both of us and the almost certainty that I will be jailed by the end of the year looms in the future.




I'm Coming Out

I'm coming out
I'm coming
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of the shell
I have to shout
That I'm coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I've got to show the world
All that I wanna be
And all my abilities
There's so much more to me
Somehow, I have to make them
Just understand
I got it well in hand
And, oh, how I've planned
I'm spreadin' love
There's no need to fear
And I just feel so good
Everytime I hear:

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 4:03 AM 0 comments

11/4/11

Court Watch Orange County Florida (Orlando) November 8, 2011 @8:30 AM

Court Watch Orange County Florida (Orlando) November 8, 2011 @8:30 AM

Judge Roger J. McDonald

Thank you Lorraine for creating this event for myself and my daughter, Emily. If anyone wants information about this and plan to attend they may contact me through email at nomorebrokenwings@yahoo.com. Tonight there had to be an exchange for visitation purposes and the respondent in this case was at the dropoff point, even though she expressed an extreme fear of me in her affidavit for the injunction for protection against repeat violence.

I have never been violent towards this woman, in fact I only wish for resolution to the issues between myself and my abuser. They continue on with this vendetta against Emily and I.

If you find it in your heart to come out and support me, this is at the Orange County courthouse located in downtown Orlando. Letters of support may be added in the comments section here or sent to Judge Roger McDonald c/o Orange County Courthouse Orlando, Fl. I am not sure if faxes would be accepted or not and I really do not want to anger this judge. Spreading the word though that an abuser and his new girlfriend are conspiring against me due to the abuser ignoring court orders pertaining to me, our child and himself. They simply want to divert attention from his multiple violations of our court orders so that he does not end up in jail himself. Numerous law enforcement agencies are involved and most know what this is about, sadly they are unable to do much because he always skates just up to that line between annoying and illegal.

Please help Emily and I.

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 11:53 PM 1 comments

7/27/11

Angels Among Us

Apologies now for being gone so long. My life has taken an upside roller coaster twist with no end in sight. A very young member of my family was taken tragically just recently and there is another family member fighting for life as we speak.

There are just no words for the pain we are all enduring. So I publish this beautiful song a little early and to my young family member may angels watch over you. I know there were several there to greet you as you made that voyage. I truly hope you felt no pain. You will be missed immensely. Your mother and father loved you more than life itself. Please send a special angel to your mom in this awful time to assure her that you are okay sweetie.

Love and miss you bunches....



I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with their mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 12:05 AM 0 comments

5/3/11

Concrete Angel

I know it has been several months since I have posted anything and much of that is the direct result of our abuser. Emily has been through some very rough times in the last few months. But I truly believe I gave her the strength of thousands even in her weakest moments. If we could just get her to see her own strengths.

Now I promised from the first post I would share more of our lives with you. The further I get into our story, the more apparent it will be who I truly am. And with that we will be revealed. But I do believe that time will come when it is right. When it is meant to be.

If you have been coming here you know my pen name is Annie and will remain Annie until that time is right. I want to tell you a little more about me. A little more about why I had broken wings. Why I have tried so hard to heal those broken wings so I can fly again. Why I feel I am so close to flying again. But to know all this we must go back to the beginning.

I come from a very large family and even as dysfunctional as we were I knew we were all loved. My mother and father loved me the best the knew how to love me and my siblings. But they both had their own issues they brought to the marriage, they both had their strengths and their weaknesses.

I remember so much of both of them and this post I will start sharing my father with you. He could so strict and so mean. But he could be so protective at the same time. I remember well a time when I was in grade school and we were going to church and I caught another student breaking the school rules. I proceeded to tell that student how bad it was what they were doing and where they would go if they did not stop doing it. Because after all that is what the church taught us. Everyone who did not repent their evil deeds and thoughts would go straight to hell. I was nearly punished at school for that offense and my father swooped in and rescued me.

I can remember those events where he was the loving and protective father. But I can also remember the horrible events where I was scared to death. Where I cowered in a closet or under my bed. Where I cleaned up the vomit. But that is for another post. We must not rush this. Rome was not built in a day. So my song for today is Concrete Angel. Because that was the start of the pain behind the mask. That was when I started building these walls that most find it impossible to tear down.



She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 12:01 AM 0 comments

2/2/11

18 Wheeler - Pink

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but you can't keep me down, down, down, down


Enough is enough already! I have thought about this for the many years that you have been trying to hurt Emily and I. I have digested everything I can on this subject. I have talked to countless moms, dads and many many others. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster. Tired of the trust issues I have. Tired of the fears, the anger, the loneliness.

I swore I would not let you keep me down and I AM getting back up. You wanted to spend these years trying to get even for what you perceived to be wrongs directed at YOU. This was about you, but it was more about me and Emily. Will you EVER see that?

Sadly I doubt it......



18 Wheeler" Ringtone to your Cell

Can't keep me down
Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down
You know you can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down

Hey, hey, man! What's your problem?
I see you tryin' to hurt me bad
Don't know what you're up against
Maybe you should reconsider
Come up with another plan
Cuz you know I'm not that kinda girl
That'll lay there and let you come first

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down, down, down
Can't keep me down, down

Hey, hey, girl! Are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cuz its time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though your not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the scar
You're gonna get your feelings hurt

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Everywhere that I go
There's someone waitin' to chain me
Everything that I say
There's someone tryin' to short-change me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I'm not gonna break!

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 1:18 AM 0 comments

I'm Still Standing - and I will NOT fall

I have had to think of some stuff tonight and I am going to sleep on it. You sure have done a number on us. But as this song says - I am still standing. You won't knock me down. But damn it I am tired of the trust stuff that keeps popping up. I am tired of the anger that keeps rearing its ugly head. And I am especially tired of the "tired". If it were not for my music I would have no where to turn.

So I go to the music and release a little more and lose myself to this world for a while. I write here when I can and pray for a little release.

Maybe with the newest events it will come. Maybe..........



I'm Still Standing

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

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posted by Mad Mom aka Emily's Mom at 12:01 AM 0 comments