No More Broken Wings

My abuser won another battle in this war he has created. All I wanted was to raise my daughter in peace free from abuse. This man raped me, battered me, terrorized me. And now he has pulled Emily into this nightmare. How I wish I could have just hit the road and not had to suffer through this, how I wish I could have protected Emily from this monster. Now he has an ally in his new paramour. But as my best friend so eloquently pointed out, I am strong. This is only temporary. He has not seen the last of me. I will come back stronger than ever. I will not allow him to push me down and hurt me and our child any longer.

Times are hard but I was built tough I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.....


And I will......

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

Labels: Abuse, Annie, Cher, Emily, Fear, Freedom, Music, Restraining Order Abuse, Songs Free Us, Stalking, You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me Yet

Apologies now for being gone so long. My life has taken an upside roller coaster twist with no end in sight. A very young member of my family was taken tragically just recently and there is another family member fighting for life as we speak.

There are just no words for the pain we are all enduring. So I publish this beautiful song a little early and to my young family member may angels watch over you. I know there were several there to greet you as you made that voyage. I truly hope you felt no pain. You will be missed immensely. Your mother and father loved you more than life itself. Please send a special angel to your mom in this awful time to assure her that you are okay sweetie.

Love and miss you bunches....



I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with their mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

Labels: Abuse, Alabama, Angels Among Us, Annie, Emily, Freedom, Music, Songs Free Us

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but you can't keep me down, down, down, down

Enough is enough already! I have thought about this for the many years that you have been trying to hurt Emily and I. I have digested everything I can on this subject. I have talked to countless moms, dads and many many others. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster. Tired of the trust issues I have. Tired of the fears, the anger, the loneliness.

I swore I would not let you keep me down and I AM getting back up. You wanted to spend these years trying to get even for what you perceived to be wrongs directed at YOU. This was about you, but it was more about me and Emily. Will you EVER see that?

Sadly I doubt it......



18 Wheeler" Ringtone to your Cell

Can't keep me down
Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down
You know you can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down

Hey, hey, man! What's your problem?
I see you tryin' to hurt me bad
Don't know what you're up against
Maybe you should reconsider
Come up with another plan
Cuz you know I'm not that kinda girl
That'll lay there and let you come first

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down, down, down
Can't keep me down, down

Hey, hey, girl! Are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cuz its time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though your not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the scar
You're gonna get your feelings hurt

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Everywhere that I go
There's someone waitin' to chain me
Everything that I say
There's someone tryin' to short-change me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I'm not gonna break!

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Labels: 18 Wheeler, Abuse, Annie, Emily, Pink, Stalking

It has been many months since I have done any posting. For those who are wondering this wonderful and scary thing called life has hit all of us square in the face. So much good and sadly some of it is truly bad. So tonight and for the past few months my mood has been to not cry out loud. What good will it do to cry? Nobody listens, nobody hears, nobody cares.

Baby cried the day the circus came to town 'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her

I don't cry for the circus (this crazy thing called life) because I know I will never have one. EVER.

Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings

I cannot cry anymore. The tears are gone. Oh they still flow at times, but it does nothing anymore. Nothing.

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown While she danced without a net upon the wire

I dance on that wire every day. I move and the wire moves. I stop and the wire stops. One day I will fall. But as always I pick myself up. How much more until I can no longer pick myself up?

Don't cry out loud Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings Fly high and proud And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Trying so hard not to cry. If it starts it will never end. Learning how to hide those feelings? I have that one under control. Nobody will ever know the truth. Nobody can EVER see the pain. They would run in the opposite direction as fast as they ran to us. Falling? Do that every day. Make mistakes every day. One day it will be impossible to get back up again though. And yes I did almost make it. Will we be allowed to make it? Will John, Emily and I be allowed the freedom for a happy life? Or are we all destined to fail every time? Are we always destined to make the worst choices?

I see others moving on and wonder when will it be my turn. Who will love me and Emily? And John?

Nobody..................


Ever...................




“Don't Cry Out Loud”

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Labels: Annie, Don't Cry Out Loud, Emily, John, Music

Hell is not for children it should only be reserved for those who abuse children and the people those children hold near and dear to their hearts.

I am back again and hurting tonight. I see many advocates in pain suffering while blogging, twittering, and connecting with other advocates and victims. I feel my story while intense and graphic and something that should never have happened to me or to my children is minor, so very minor.

So I come again to open another piece of my life to you. To give away yet another piece of this monstrosity I call "my life".

Emily again is afraid. Afraid to stand up and afraid not to stand up. Our abuser is terrorizing us yet again. He is threatening to tear up her life, cause her embarrassment. If we stand up and say no more, the embarrassment will be there. If we fold and lay down silent, we are victimized yet again. The situation is so trivial in and of itself, yet it is the small things that will become huge. If we remain silent, we invite more evil and worse events upon us in the future. It is the way of an abuser.

What is causing little Emily such strife? Her school is on vacation very soon and her father is demanding that he have her beyond what has been ordered through the courts. Now if he was not abusive to me, if his current spouse did not assist him in his reign of terror, if he was truly a loving father to Emily, I would have no qualms about him having this time. But sadly, Emily's father is none of these things. And rather than be a good father, he must flex his muscles and show who is boss. And Emily, dear sweet Emily, is torn in too many pieces by another episode. Much like her mother has been over my life. And how to explain to this child without falling into that trap of "alienation" that befalls so many protective mothers and children? How do I explain what she sees and still maintain under the law of our state the bond between father and child, that in all honesty should be his job to maintain and nurture?

Stuck in the middle of this mess is another child, now grown, John. This child was denied relationship after relationship with his biological family due to greed.

And these children need each other. They need to move past the abuses and grow together as siblings. And Emily's father wants to deny this bond between siblings. He in fact feels it is his God-given right to demand and have us acquiese to those demands. OUR feelings mean nothing to him. They mean even less to his new spouse.

So we shall see what the future holds for us. Will Emily be tortured and embarrassed and move one step closer to that ever approaching hell we call forced separation that many protective mothers and children suffer silently in family courts around the world? Will her world suddenly become hell as Pat Benatar says here? Or will I, Annie, be able to save her from that? Can I do something to not only save her but keep all the other Emily's out there safe?

Only time will tell. Until then please pray for me, my family, but especially for Emily and John in the coming days and weeks.



They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears
They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child
Because Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing
They blacken your eyes, and then apologize
You're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing
Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell off the swing
Because Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess
Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh
No, Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell is for Hell
Hell Is For Children
Hell Is For Children
Hell Is For Children

Labels: Abuse, Emily, Hell Is For Children, John, Music, Pat Benatar, Siblings

I am trying to be creative and interesting in my introductions. I am tired and worn out from the life of terror I have lived. I have cried rivers and oceans of tears and the tears never seem to dry up.

So I bring another victim into this fray. I want to introduce you to my son John*. John is a wonderful young man, barely into adulthood stretching his wings and looking for his true love, his place in life.

I will not go into the details of my early life with John's biological father. At 16/17 I had more common sense sadly in some ways than I did with Emily's father. At the first sign of battering and abuse, I walked away, taking what was left of my dignity and pride. Little did I realize that I also took away a piece of John's father inside me. Barely an adult myself I was carrying a brand new life inside.

I reveled in the absolute amaxement I felt when the first movements came from John. The little fists that would run circles around my abdomen. I was so huge and so obviously pregnant. Everyone said I waddled like a beanpole who had swallowed the proverbial watermelon. I had many who proclaimed I would never make it, I was too young, too immature to bring this life into the world. But that mattered none. After living the life I had filled with abuse, I swore I would be different. This little child growing inside of me would never get hurt, he or she would never suffer the pain and anguish I had suffered. Everything I had would be his. And for a few short years it was.

The years of confusion, terror, and abuse I suffered caught up to us however. But that will be in many more posts to come. John is back and while we can never recover those years, we can move on and rebuild from here. John and Emily can build something good and be free from abuse. Maybe......

(see next post)

Labels: Abuse, Emily, John, Siblings

I am trying to come up with a creative title that says "About Me", but am hitting a roadblock.

No matter, I will simply type what comes into my brain tonight. I have posted a few music videos and given roundabout introductions of myself and my daughter. So I guess it is time for formal introductions.

My name is Annie* and I am an abuse survivor for over 4 decades. Yes you read that right, four decades. I plan to share my story and the story of my children on here as well when I have time. I also will use music which was my sole respite during the abusive episodes.

I started this blog for several reasons. Many years have passed since I left my abusive husband. Yet he still attempts to control not only our child but myself as well. He resorts to terrorist tactics among the few things he will do in order to continue to exert his control. He can no longer assault me, so this is what we are left with.

So I created this blog as kind of a journal of sorts (albeit a very public one) in order to release the tension I feel when his terror reign comes full circle yet once again. I also created it in order to document and show how much I have changed in this journey to be a divorced battered woman. And finally, we have a child who is stuck in the middle. The child you met in my post Why Did I Leave?. It was in this post that I brought you into my life a little and introduced Emily* to all of you. Emily has lived a very long life in her few short years. She sees good men at school, her best friends have a good dad, Emily has a wonderful big brother, many awesome uncles, and I have several decent male friends. But all the men in the world cannot make up for the fact that her father hates me more than he loves her.

So while she has seen the abuse he has inflicted and has no doubt in her young mind that this abuse is wrong, she has no where to take this. She loves her father but hates his actions. I will not tell her the truth while she is young (unlike her father as I will share as this blog moves along) but I will document it for her to see when she is mature and old enough to handle seeing the truth.

Some may fault me for that, but this is not an attempt to tear down her father. I want to show her what bad behavior looks like (and that just so happens to be his behavior) and on the same token share what good behavior looks like (my boyfriend, the father of her best friends, her uncles, her brother and other male friends).

There are many people in my life and as such these people are decent and good people and they know about this blog and they support my decision to create it 100%. They have no fears or qualms about the privacy factor, but I do. I am not quite ready to come out 100%. I hope all of you will understand that. As such all comments are moderated, and those who know my identity if I feel a post is too close to revealing my true self the comment will hit file 13 :-) I hope you do not mind and please don't take offense to that.

On the same token all comments who say I am lying, who call me names, who use any type of what I deem to be abusive behaviors will also be banned. I also make no apologies for that in advance. This blog as I said above is multi faceted. One of the most important aspects is a safe outlet for me. As such I REFUSE to allow abuse to invade what is mine.

I want to share the first episode of abuse I vividly recall as a young child. I do not have a lot of childhood recall, I remember mostly good stuff and there is quite enough bad stuff peeking through to make me realize (and also clue in the professionals involved) that I lived a horrendous childhood. Not as bad as some child abuse victims and worse than others. All in all though abuse is abuse is abuse, no matter the form it takes and the severity. It is all abuse and it all hurts.

I remember being about 7 or so and my brothers and sisters and I had done something that angered our father. He was again on one of his famous alcohol induced benders, and when he called us and pulled out the hassock, we knew it was time. Lining up youngest to oldest, we stood in line in front of that hassock and watched as one of us was called forward to choose "the stick". The stick was a 2 foot long green bamboo stick. I remember after "the stick" was chosen, one by one we would have to lean over the hassock and our father would use "the stick" on our bottoms. We could not cry especially my brothers because they were boys and they were not allowed to cry. Crying meant an extra spank for the girls and two for the boys. I never understood that.

Generally one of my brothers would take the blame for whatever it was that had been done, whether he was guilty or not. He did it to stop the beatings. What stands out about this one day was the fact that I was wearing what I now know was the ugliest pair of yellow shorts ever created. They had to be cut into pieces and thrown away because my mother could not get the green stains off of them and she could not thorw them away intact, otherwise what would people think of the green stains on the butt portion of my shorts? Back in the 70's there were not many stain remover products like we had now and she dared not buy them, because she would be abused for wasteful purchases and abuse was America's dirty little secret so we could not have anyone guessing that our father was beating us. No that would never do.....

Well I think that is enough to swallow for one night. On to spell check and then to sleep. I think a hot bath is called for tonight. It will relax my muscles and bring on those good sleep vibes.

On another note, please share this blog with anyone you feel may benefit. Please check back here often and comment. I may ramble from time to time, I may jump from the 19070's to 2010, but I hope to present and document a clear and concise journey of the pain not only myself but my chidlren, especially my children have endured due to this abuse. And it all starts somewhere.

I am breaking my silence in order to give my children a good life. Please hold my hand as I share my life with you and do not be harsh with me.

Labels: About Me, Abuse, Annie, Emily